my awakening

the time has come in my life when i finally get it... in the midst of all my tears, insanity and breakdown i was startled from the voice somewhere inside my head crying out - ENOUGH! enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on...

i realized that it's time to stop hoping and waiting for the unchangeable to change, for the long lost happiness to come... i came to terms with the fact that i am not his Cinderella and that in the verdict of reality any guarantee of "happily ever after" is not visible on my tracks and just hope for that sense of acceptance to inched through me...

i was awaken by the fact that i am not perfect for him and that she will NEVER appreciate or approve of who or what i am... and that should be OK... she is entitled to her own views and opinions anyway...

i should learn the importance of loving and that i have to start within for in the end it would bring back the sense of confidence that i've lost for years...

i will stop complaining and blaming him for the things he did to me or didn't do for me... i've learned that he don't always say what he means or mean what he says and that he will not always be there for me and that for him it's not always about me...

i should learn to stand on my own and to take care of myself and head for that road called self-reliance... i would stop judging and pointing fingers and begin to accept him as he is and to overlook his shortcomings and frailties to have that sense of peace i've been longing and forgiveness would take its place...

i've learned and admit that i don't know everything and it's not my job to save nor rescue him from the impudent judgement thrown at him by the critics on the side in this game called life...

i must learn the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say a "meaningful" NO even the devil inside insist me to say YES...

i've learned that unconditional love does really exist but doesn't give you a fairy tale ending.. and that being a martyr doesn't always come with great appreciation...

i've learned the truest sense of loving and how much to give in it... and eventually, to learn when to stop giving and when to walk away...

i should learn to look at the relationship as my past and stop attempting to change it as i would have want it to be... for the past has been long gone and "that history" would not repeat itself...

i've learned that just as people change so it is with love... and i've learned that i don't have the right to demand love on my terms just to make me happy but to find happiness in the uniqueness of love poured on me..

i've learned, that for the most part, love isn't always fair... i don't always get what i think i deserve and that sometimes bad things happen unexpectedly... it's just life's way of teaching me...

i've learned that negative feelings such as anger, jealousy and resentment must be redirected or they will smother the life out of me and defile the universe that surrounds me...

i should learn to admit when i am wrong for it will give me freedom from anxieties and that the apology that comes with it will never make less of me...

my sobs begin to subside, i blinked back my tears and through the layers of wet lashes i tried to look at the new horizon... this is my awakening...


(apologies to that little innocent bathroom tile for my being a masochist)