scarred

There's an urge for me to share this. Here's a conversation that takes place between a man and God, and what he said expresses the feelings of a lot of people. It's deep, meaningful and worth reading.


SCARRED PEOPLE ARE BEAUTIFUL
- Charles Cooke

"I've seen a number of movies lately, Lord, like Romeo and Juliet. The love of young people, at least in these movies, is beautiful.. so simple.. so total.. so uncomplicated. They seem so natural, so free in their feelings, I wish I could be like that Lord. But I can't be. I've been hurt, Lord. I have trusted and been betrayed at times. I have loved and received nothing in return. I have tried hard to care and failed -- often. I have shared my secrets and heard them whispered to others. I have asked forgiveness and heard no response. I have been warm and received a cold shoulder. I've been through it, Lord. I've fallen on my face. I've banged my shins. I've been bruised. Look Lord, I'm all covered with scars."

And then the Lord speaks: "Maybe you haven't understood enough. Maybe you haven't learned that human life is like that. All saints are scarred. Young love isn't the highest form of human love. The greatest love comes from scarred people. I know that many people stop loving so they won't be hurt again, but those people who do start over again, who continue in spite of all, who leave themselves open to the possibility of being hurt again, these people are able to love in a deeper way, a more understanding way, a richer way..."

The man ponders the words of God and says, "I think I know what you mean, Lord. I've met people like that -- and knowing them gives me courage. The great people are those who continue to love with all their scars. I like scarred people, Lord. They are beautiful..."

lasing

nakilala kita almost six years ago.. sa kasamaang palad, dahil pa sa y---.. ang bait mo pa nun, nde kita masyadong close pero sustentado mo bisyo ko.. lakas ko manghingi kahit takot ako syo.. palibhasa ang strong ng personality mo.. nakakaintimidate.. parang ang tapang.. ang bagsik pa ng mata mo kapag nde ka ngumingiti.. nasayang tuloy ang mga dimples mo!

may sarili kang circle of friends.. mga coño pa tingin ko sa inyo nun.. nakatapos kase sa kilalang paaralan.. feeling ko, kayo yun mga cool.. taas ng mga self-confidence..

napansin ko may pagkamaingay ka din pala.. palagi ka napapansin ng mga trainor natin.. kung nde ka maingay, posibleng tulog ka.. at kesehodang ilista ka pa ng principal, wala kang pake!.. basta tutulog ka kung gusto mo.. tigasin ka talaga!..

naku!.. after ilang months, y---mate na kita.. ang tambayan sa veranda.. nagiging close na tayo.. ok ka din naman pala, basta wag lang gagalitin.. gimik dito, gimik dun.. bilyaran, sinehan, bars, kapihan at kung san san pa nakarating mga paa natin.. masaya ka talaga kasama..

minsan lasing ako sa problema sa mundo.. pero dun ako nabilib syo.. dahil kahit lasing na lasing ka na din, sinasalo mo pa tagay ko.. kaya lalo tayong naging close.. halos pamilya na kita, kapag wala pamilya ko.. kulang na lang ampunin mo ko..

kapag nasa ibang lupalop ng mundo, nde mo ko pinapabayaan.. lagi mo ko sinasamahan, kahit san.. sa pagkain, sa pasyalan, sa pagtulog.. ang loko mo pa, kase baka mawala ako.. pero ang totoo, deep inside andun yun concern at love mo.. hanggang ngayon wala kang kupas.. ganyan pa din ang treatment mo.. nde ka nagsasawa sa role mo sa buhay ko..

haaay.. ang biiiliiis talaga ng panahon.. halos anim na taon.. madaming nangyari sa 'tin.. iyakan, tawanan, galit, pagod, hirap, tampuhan, kulitan.. masyadong makulay ang ating pinagsamahan.. pero sana nde pa 'to ang katapusan.. sana sa susunod na yugto ng buhay natin, gagawin pa natin mas makulay ang lahat..

hay naku.. mamimiss talaga kita.. ngayon may sarili ka ng mundo.. nasa piling ng anak at asawa mo.. pero palagi mo tandaan, andito pa din ako para sumalo ng tagay mo..


(miss you gail and best wishes - 3/30/2005)

repentance

my 47 days is almost over... it started from ash wednesday to easter sunday.. and im looking forward to it.. no pork, beef nor chicken.. im not a vegetarian.. seafood would do.. but will you grab one in a country with no ocean?!?.. yup, i did.. have no choice.. munched it scrumptiously while dismissing the idea of its staleness.. ewwww!..

being a pasta lover, it's a blessing to be in europe.. is it really?!?.. hmm.. err.. not at this time.. i always have to fight back the temptations.. its a hard-fought battle.. thinking fillet-o-fish as chicken sandwich, shrimp-flavored cup noodles as scampi pasta, pizza without the toppings, fried rice without the chicken bits.. grr!...

add to that, a series of explanations.. was asked why i do this thing.. its purpose, its reason.. as much as i want to explain it clearly, i wasn't able to.. and this lead to more questioning.. and a feeling of being misunderstood.. *sigh*

this lenten season is tougher than the previous year.. back home you get more choices (and more serving of understanding and respect), not home gives you more adjustments..

the thing is, i don't feel sorry for myself.. not even a trace of regret.. in spite of this sacrifice, there's a sense of lightness in me.. guilt trips have been uplifted.. tranquility starts to encompass my being..

call it crazy, but that's how i repent my sins...


(fasting and abstinence is a catholic practice every lenten season.. i only do abstinence... fasting happens to me almost everyday)

my awakening

the time has come in my life when i finally get it... in the midst of all my tears, insanity and breakdown i was startled from the voice somewhere inside my head crying out - ENOUGH! enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on...

i realized that it's time to stop hoping and waiting for the unchangeable to change, for the long lost happiness to come... i came to terms with the fact that i am not his Cinderella and that in the verdict of reality any guarantee of "happily ever after" is not visible on my tracks and just hope for that sense of acceptance to inched through me...

i was awaken by the fact that i am not perfect for him and that she will NEVER appreciate or approve of who or what i am... and that should be OK... she is entitled to her own views and opinions anyway...

i should learn the importance of loving and that i have to start within for in the end it would bring back the sense of confidence that i've lost for years...

i will stop complaining and blaming him for the things he did to me or didn't do for me... i've learned that he don't always say what he means or mean what he says and that he will not always be there for me and that for him it's not always about me...

i should learn to stand on my own and to take care of myself and head for that road called self-reliance... i would stop judging and pointing fingers and begin to accept him as he is and to overlook his shortcomings and frailties to have that sense of peace i've been longing and forgiveness would take its place...

i've learned and admit that i don't know everything and it's not my job to save nor rescue him from the impudent judgement thrown at him by the critics on the side in this game called life...

i must learn the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say a "meaningful" NO even the devil inside insist me to say YES...

i've learned that unconditional love does really exist but doesn't give you a fairy tale ending.. and that being a martyr doesn't always come with great appreciation...

i've learned the truest sense of loving and how much to give in it... and eventually, to learn when to stop giving and when to walk away...

i should learn to look at the relationship as my past and stop attempting to change it as i would have want it to be... for the past has been long gone and "that history" would not repeat itself...

i've learned that just as people change so it is with love... and i've learned that i don't have the right to demand love on my terms just to make me happy but to find happiness in the uniqueness of love poured on me..

i've learned, that for the most part, love isn't always fair... i don't always get what i think i deserve and that sometimes bad things happen unexpectedly... it's just life's way of teaching me...

i've learned that negative feelings such as anger, jealousy and resentment must be redirected or they will smother the life out of me and defile the universe that surrounds me...

i should learn to admit when i am wrong for it will give me freedom from anxieties and that the apology that comes with it will never make less of me...

my sobs begin to subside, i blinked back my tears and through the layers of wet lashes i tried to look at the new horizon... this is my awakening...


(apologies to that little innocent bathroom tile for my being a masochist)

lantang gulay

alam nyo ba yun feeling na ganyan, na parang lantang gulay?!? na paggising mo sa umaga parang pagod na pagod ka?!?.. super bigat ng feeling na parang you'll get sick.. that's how i feel since yesterday, take note yesterday is just monday.. first day of the week, first day of work.. i have to drag myself out of bed to prepare for work.. it's been a tough week (or month/s).. like i said, i don't work in a call center pero last weekend i have to work.. can't be called a workaholic.. there's a difference between "required to" and "urge to"..

i've read a lot of articles about loving/enjoying your job.. pero kung iisipin mo di din ganun kadali (kelangan yata i-force).. though, on the bright side of life, kelangan mo din maging grateful kase you have a job.. mga tao talaga, ang hirap i-please...

"work is a slice of life, it's not the entire pizza" ...

novice

eto pala ang blog na sinasabi.. uso daw ngayon eh.. salamat nga pala potpot sa pagintroduce ng trend na 'to.. magexperiment pa ko kung worthwhile nga ba gamitin 'to.. at least nde lang friendster ang pinagaaksayahan ko ng panahon ngayon habang binabayaran ako sa paghihintay ng error.. yep, ako po ay isang dakilang programmer... maghapong nakaharap sa monitor.. minsan kasama ang weekend, on-call pa yan.. i dont work in a call center, pero parang ganun din..

mabalik tayo sa blogger... eto ba ay parang online diary?!?.. kung oo, baket mo naman gugustuhin malaman ng tao ang laman ng utak mo?!?.. at kung ang sinusulat dito ay laman ng utak mo, pati ba yun mga "totoot" pwede sabihin?!?.. o may button ang admin nito na bigla na lang maglalaho ang blog mo kapag nde angkop sa madla ang sinasabi mo?!?.. kung meron, sana may warning muna..

sige, 'til next post..